Are you and your spouse unable to discuss things
calmly? Does it feel as if you are always walking through a minefield in
which any step could set off an explosive dispute?
If so, be assured that things can improve. But first you need to find out why you and your spouse argue so much.
WHY IT HAPPENS
Misunderstandings.
A wife named Jillian*
admits: “Sometimes I say something to my husband and it doesn’t come
out as I intended. Or I am convinced that I told him something, when I
really only dreamed that I told him. That’s actually happened!”
Differences.
No matter how compatible you and your spouse may
seem to be, your views on some matters will differ. Why? Because no two
people are exactly alike—a fact that can add either variety or tension to marriage. For many couples, the result is tension.
Poor role models.
“My parents argued a lot and made disrespectful
comments to each other,” says a wife named Rachel, “so when I got
married I talked to my husband the way my mother talked to my father. I
had not learned how to show respect.”
Deeper concerns.
Often, a fiery argument is really about
something other than the event that ignited it. For example, a dispute
that starts with “You’re always late!” may not be about the need for
punctuality but about one spouse feeling that he or she has been treated
inconsiderately.
Whatever the cause, frequent arguing can
adversely affect your health and can even be a predictor of eventual
divorce. How, then, can you stop arguing?
WHAT YOU CAN DO
A key to preventing arguments is identifying the
underlying issues that fuel them. When things are calm, try the
following exercise with your spouse.
1. On separate sheets of paper,
each of you should write down the topic of a recent argument. For
example, a husband might write, “You spent the whole day with your
friends and didn’t call me to tell me where you were.” A wife might
write, “You got upset because I spent time with my friends.”
2. With an open mind, discuss
the following: Was the matter really that serious? Could it have been
overlooked? In some cases, for the sake of peace, it may suffice to
agree to disagree and to cover over the matter with love.—Bible principle: Proverbs 17:9.
If you and your spouse conclude that the matter was trivial, apologize to each other and consider it settled.—Bible principle: Colossians 3:13, 14.
If the matter seems more serious to one or both of you, proceed to the next step.
3. Write down how you felt
during the argument, and have your spouse do the same. For example, a
husband might write, “I felt that you preferred the company of your
friends over my company.” A wife might write, “I felt that you were
treating me as if I were a child who had to check in with her father.”
4. Swap papers with your
spouse, and read each other’s comments. What was your spouse’s deeper
concern during the argument? Discuss what each of you could have done
differently to address the underlying issues without arguing.—Bible principle: Proverbs 29:11.
5. Discuss what you learned from this exercise. How can you use what you learned to solve or prevent a future argument?
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